BURNING AMBITIONS

The English are to beach life what John Sergeant was to

Strictly Come Dancing. Sarah Tucker explores the riddle of the sands

 

Work this one out. Every week, at my local gym, I observe a sea of

men and women with their personal trainers, pedalling, spinning and

kickboxing their way to a peak of physical perfection. Yet whenever I find myself on the beach in the South of France, I never see these toned folk at all. Perhaps it’s because they all have their own holiday homes, or even – knowing the clientele at this club – their own private sandyplage.

Even so, no matter where I am, I can always spot the Englishman on a beach.

Whatever the weather – rain, wind, hail or heat – he will be out in it, fighting them on the beaches with a grim determination that would make Winston Churchill proud. Admittedly, we Brits see the sun less often than most, which may account for our excess of adulation when we do. I remember once visiting Turkey when it was so hot – think oven on at regulo plenty – that the government closed all its offices for a week and innumerable chickens died. Whether the second event was directly consequential upon the first is

anyone’s guess. Either way, while fowl and bureaucrat floundered, the nutty English struggled on, baking, burning and dehydrating in their own inimitable way. The results were unedifying in the extreme: a beach is one place where few people look prettier in pink. Another sure sign of an Englishman on

the beach is the noise. The art of gliding silently across the sand with minimal fuss, exuding confidence and stealth, has yet to establish itself in the standard Anglo- Saxon repertoire. Especially not in the case of short people, who – for some curious evolutionary reason – invariably have the loudest voices. I may be lying at the other end of the Cap D’Antibes, but if my fellow beach dwellers are English and under five foot five, I will still be able to get the low- down on Heather’s hysterectomy or Tracey’s stunning GCSEs.

 

Furthermore, the English almost all behave as though they’ve never previously encountered sand. Apparently fearful of being sucked in by this alien substance, they tiptoe tentatively across the strand to the most inconspicuous spot they can find– unless, of course, they are short, in

which case the very concept of lying low is about as appealing as prohibition to a brewer.

 

Yet despite the English beach preference for avoiding the limelight, we invariably choose a spot with a good view of everyone else. To the English, a beach is essentially a widescreen TV for which the licence comes free of charge. We are a nation of beach voyeurs, watching furtively as those of less decorous stock have their uninhibited fun in the sun. And why not? On the beach, there is plenty to see – and, in certain countries, much of it is legalised porn. For me, the world’s best ‘body watching’ beaches are in Brazil, closely followed by those in Sydney, where bikinis and trunks leave just enough to the imagination, and where the concept of a beach bum takes on a whole different slant. And then there’s California, from which I’ve just returned.

This too is replete with the honed and the toned.

As for nudist beaches, you won’t find the best bodies here, but you will see more of them. Furthermore, everyone is very polite and deeply aware of personal space. No one looks intently at anyone else. In fact, by a none-too-gentle irony, nudist beaches provide the ultimate proof of what every red-blooded man and woman instinctively knows: that wearing a little

something is infinitely sexier than pitching up in nothing at all.

So, if you’re thinking of baring all on the beach this summer, don’t be tempted

to have a peek in the neighbouring dune. Take a good book instead.

 

All beached up: Sarah’s top tips

 

For children a beach is a beach, whether it’s in California or Cornwall. As long as their parents are there playing with them – or, in the case of teenagers, paying for them – they’ll have fun. But for the best and safest beaches, look for the Blue Flag eco-label, awarded worldwide to over 3,200 beaches and marinas. Visit: www.blueflag.org

 

Don’t pitch your spot too close to other

people. Think ‘mind the gap’. Leave enough room for people to pass, but not

enough for other families or couples to pinch the space in between.

 

Dress for your size and shape, not for fashion. That’s what other cultures do.

But don’t cover up – it’s a beach, for goodness sake, so be brave! With

properly fitting gear, you won’t even want to cover up. In any case, no one will

be looking – except the other English.

 

Don't stay on the beach all day. Take two hours for lunch, to cool down, talk to each other (eek!) and give the skin a rest. You’ll still get your money's worth.